Post
I’ve been at post for 6 days now (including today) and it’s been quite the experience. When I first got here, I seriously considered E.T. ing (early terminating my service) right away. I’m here alone, not doing anything—literally—but sitting on my porch for hours a day; my house isn’t a home yet; I don’t have friends immediately available; and I can’t even eat good food. These are the things that were running through my mind for 3 days straight from the time I got up until I went to bed.
For those parents (who aren’t mine) who read this blog, please don’t be in despair. This is just my experience and no one else’s. I can say that this part of the journey (I think) for all of us is very lonely.
In the last 6 days I have realized how much of a social creature I truly am. In the states, I always “wanted my space,” not necessarily from my friends but in general. Foolish, foolish, foolish. People who say they need their own space from time to time say that because they don’t know true isolation. That is, isolation that isn’t self-prescribed but imposed. In other news…
I was struggling—and am to some extent—but then a series of events happened that made me feel like this still is the right path for me. Sometimes it just seems that the universe smiles on you and gives you everything that you need, strung together like—I don’t know—beautiful pearls. Things that give your heart courage and make you laugh aloud at nothing and cause you to smile without realizing it. And these things are always very simple; rain after 3 god-awfully hot days, a photographic moment and the like.
My time in Africa will be a maturation period for me. I’ve learned in 6 days that I need to be around people I know to feel secure which, when I’m being honest, is the real reason behind my struggle with being here.
I don’t want this blog entry to turn into a journal entry. Let me just say that Africa is absolutely stunning, my post is beautiful, it’s a bit lonely so write your children or friends or whoever my fellow PCV’s are to you and of course WRITE ME! Even if I don’t know you, and believe me when I say that the mundane things to you are comforting to us because we want to be back there with you!
In fact: Jamie’s Mom, David’s Mom, Jennifer, Some of Jamie’s friends. You all should write letters right now. Your children/friends miss you J Of course, they didn't tell me any of this themselves.
4 comments:
Hi Clayton, It sounds as if you are trying hard to stay in Benin. Good for you! You are right, I do read all the blogs! I miss my son, and admire you all for sticking with a really challenging situation. Lean on your fellow PCVs- give them a call or a text. All are probably going thru similar thoughts at some point. Ask Dave about the Great Writing Pen Caper!Mary Jane Cowell (Dave's mom)
Hey Clayton,
I enjoy reading your posts....
I'm Kimberly Pfirrmann-Powell's mom & you've helped me in my vicarious efforts to truly picture life in Benin. Thank you for that! When I talked to Kim today she said she was in the middle of texting you when I called. I hope you guys got a chance to connect in spite of my interrupting. I hope the quiet gets easier to deal with. Cindy Pfirrmann
AHHHHHH!!!! i miss you!!!! sorry i am such a bad pen pal, i swear i am going to do better! you are seriously soooooo strong, and i can definitely imagine how you are feeling right now. even though i didn't make it that far, I have faith that YOU CAN MAKE IT. do you know why? because you have already made it this far! being alone sucks, but you are such an outgoing person that i know you will make friends fast (even across that language and cultural barrier).
i was seriously SO excited when i saw that you put up a new post, so yay for that! and ps, i don't mind it being like a journal entry because that's kind of what blogs are; web logs, logs are basically journals. anyways, i am rambling on a lot and you probably won't even read this for a while (if even at all). so i will just leave it at this: i am thinking about you and i have faith in you!
Clayton! I just read your blog and it reminded me SO VERY MUCH of one of my first blogs; in fact, I tried to go back and look to find a quote for you, but no such luck. I just remember that for me, those first few weeks were so hard and so difficult and that I couldn't really but my finger on why. I realized later that, for me, it was that just dark feeling of isolation that I was in no way prepared for. Sure, I had prepared myself for the latrines, and the lack of water, and the lack of familiar cuisine, and the lack of electricity, but in no way had I mentally prepared myself for that isolation, that loneliness--I, too, thought about calling it quits. THE GOOD NEWS, however, is that I didn't, and with each day and week and month my service became better and better, and I grew and changed and adapted and became happier and happier. Peace Corps is an incredibly unique experience and within every country, every stage, every sector, every single person will have a different experience. If you have a bad first couple days (or weeks or months) don't worry, you are amazing and you will make it through stronger and wiser on the other side. (AND for goodness sake, if you are really feeling alone, go visit someone or have someone visit you; there is nothing like a little English and Peace Corps gossip to lift the spirits!) I wish you all the best, Carly (07-09, TEFL, Manigri)
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